Is There Hope for my repentance, Lord?

And speak not to me of those who have committed small sins, but suppose the case of one who is filled full of every wickedness, and let him practice everything which excludes him from the kingdom, and let us suppose that this man is not one of those who were unbelievers from the beginning, but formerly belonged to the believers, and he was formerly well pleasing to God, but afterwards has become a fornicator, adulterer,  a thief, a drunkard, a sodomite, a reviler, and everything else of this kind; I will not approve even of this man despairing of himself, although he may have gone on to extreme old age in the practice of this great and unspeakable wickedness. For if the wrath of God were a passion, one might well despair as being unable to quench the flame which he had kindled by so many evil doings; but since the Divine nature is passionless, even if He punishes, even if He takes vengeance, he does this not with wrath,but with tender care, and much loving-kindness; wherefore it behoves us to be of much good courage, and to trust in the power of repentance. For even those who have sinned against Him He does not visit them with punishment for His own sake; for no harm can traverse that divine nature; but He acts with a view to our advantage, and to prevent our perverseness becoming worse by our making a practice of despising and neglecting Him. For even as one who places himself outside [(literally, one who hides from)] the light inflicts no loss on the light, but the greatest upon himself being shut up in darkness; even so he who has become accustomed to despise that almighty power, does no injury to the power [ie the light], but inflicts the greatest possible injury upon himself. And for this reason God threatens us with punishments, and often inflicts them, not as avenging Himself, but by way of attracting us to Himself. For a physician also is not distressed or vexed at the insults of those who are out of their minds, but yet does and contrives everything for the purpose of stopping those who do such unseemly acts, not looking to his own interests but to their profit; and if they manifest some small degree of self-control and sobriety he rejoices and is glad, and applies his remedies much more earnestly, not as revenging himself upon them for their former conduct, but as wishing to increase their advantage, and to bring them back to a purely sound state of health. Even so God when we fall into the very extremity of madness, says and does everything, not by way of avenging Himself on account of our former deeds; but because He wishes to release us from our disorder; and by means of right reason it is quite possible to be convinced of this. St. John Chrysostom Letter to Theodore after his fall, Letter 1, Chapter 4.

For many of us we may not even be considering our repentance and this is a grave error. For some others yet, we may be despairing of our repentance and believing that it simply cannot happen. This is an even more grave error perhaps, but both are definitely demonic traps. Much like a physician would not get angry or avenge him or herself against a delirious patient but rather looks with compassion and love upon this one. So much more will God, the Father of all, look with compassion upon those driven to an extreme insanity in sin. The one who has lost all possessions, all relationships, all that matters to them due to their addictions, their passions, the wrong choices they have made, this same one is not abandoned by God. If they turn to the light, it may be painful at first, as it is when leaving a dark room to step immediately into the sun. But this does not mean that The Light (God) hates them but rather that He seeks to purify them and return them to a state of wholeness. May God, who searches the heart, continue to enlighten our minds and our hearts.

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